So I have been using Match.com for the better part of four years. Based on this fact alone, you can do the math on how successful I have been. There have been some doozies; for example:
-Girl who got drunk and cried (this one actually happened twice, two separate ladies)
-Girl who told me about her STD in the first 30 minutes (not making fun of anyone with an STD, but the timing was awful. Hey, glad you told me, but why then?)
-Girl who told me about being sexually abused as a child, then spent the rest of the time saying, "You're freaking out, right?" (Again, nothing funny about sexual abuse, at all. But why tell me on the first date? Of course I am freaking out!)
-Girl who texted during the entire date and then excitedly asked at the end when we could hang out again (still baffles me).
-Girl who told a story about her mom and referred to her as a "cunt" (This was kind of awesome. I'm not opposed to a chick using the C-word, it can be entertaining. In fairness to her, mom did seem to be a massive twat.)
But tonight took the cake. The girl I was meeting was a college cheerleader. She was cute, athletic, and talked about being "active"... this all sounded great, I was pumped.
I get there and see someone that kind of matches the person in the pictures, but there are a few issues:
-The person in front of me isn't 23, she is closer to 30.
-The person in front of me is approximately 75 pounds heavier than the college cheerleader shown in all the pictures.
(I'm really not a dick. Fat, skinny, thick, curves...I have dated them all. Just be fucking honest.)
Now I have to make conversation with a person, who kinda looks like person in the pictures if she were stung by a thousand hornets. While I was nice and didn't mention it, all I could think was, "WHAT'S WITH THE FUCKING PICTURES, DUDE!?" At some point, she had to know I would figure it out, right? Was she hoping I was blind?
Faced with the decision of making conversation with someone obviously full of shit, I did what any decent, honest, up-standing guy would do...I created a fictional birthday I needed to get to.
I finished my beer, paid for hers and bailed like a motherfucker.
Who you ask was the winner in this ordeal? The hornets.
