So anyway…
You
don’t realize notice things until you write them down, or at least I don’t.
Since I have been writing this blog on and off for the better part of 10 years,
it has been a record of my personal and dating life. Some funny, some sad but
it has allowed me to see the patterns of my life. As people, we go through
trends both good and bad. In my case, I look at these relationships and try to
make sense of it all. Maybe I am trying to solve the unanswerable equation: why
in the fuck am I still dating and single at 37 years old? As I try to hash that
out, I guess I should write about the end of my latest relationship.
Katie
I
met Katie through Match.com because, in Mormon-laded Idaho Falls, that was the
primary dating option. She was a single mom with a 6-year-old son and was
working her way through college. She was pretty, brash, personable, and very
driven. She was also three years older than me, which would be an issue as time
went on.
As
with anything, our relationship was fine in the beginning. She would come over,
we would have sex and hang out like there was nothing else in the world but us.
It’s really nice if you think about it. But reality would hit, she would go
back to her place and I would sit in my apartment, alone. Well, not really
alone. See, I had my friend alcohol to hang out with…so that problem was
solved. As things progressed, I would eventually meet Katie’s son. She
explained that he had emotional issues and occasional outbursts. Needless to
say, he and I never really got along. This is hard to type but he wasn’t an
easy kid to like. Emotional, rude, dramatic, explosive, and hurtful to his mom
on a regular basis. These are all things that drove me crazy, but I said
nothing at first. Months passed and as I felt more comfortable, I began to
speak my mind. This never went well. Her son freaked out, Katie freaked out and
everyone was miserable. You take this event and extrapolate it over three years
and you’ll have an idea of daily life.
Between
her job and her son, it was difficult to watch the toll it took on Katie. When
we were stressed, we drank. When we were happy, we drank. Really, any excuse we
could think of to drink…we did. As time progressed, my drinking continued until
I became very sick. I spent months in the hospital and had several medical scares that almost killed me. I missed months of work and worried if life would
ever be the same. As all of this was happening, there was another major event
that took place: Katie got a new job. This was great news! A huge bump in pay
but many more hours. Immediately, she became a different person. Stressed doesn’t
even begin to quantify it. Her fuse became incredibly short and angry outbursts
became the norm. I tried talking with her about this a few times, but it would
go poorly most of the time. So, we didn’t talk about it. We ignored it and I drank
even more. Mind you, I wasn’t supposed to, but I did anyway. Sure, we would “break
up” a few times and some of my things were inevitably broken but time would pass,
and we would be back to “normal” …other than the fact no one was happy.
Not
happy? Buy a house! Not happy? Get married! Makes sense, right? So, we were
going to do all of that and as the days got closer I began to think, “Do you
want this to be the rest of your life?” Sadly, I contemplated these decisions
while drunk and, in the process, making everything 1000% worse. April 25th,
2018, I pulled the plug on everything. The job, the wedding, the house…everything.
After four years of it all, I was done. I was drinking myself to death. I was
miserable. I wasn’t happy, and I was 1,600 miles away from all friends and
family. I left almost everything I owned behind, still not sure I’ll ever see
any of it again. I got in my car and went home.
The
aftermath? Katie hates me, and rightfully so. I haven’t had a drop of alcohol
in six weeks and no desire to drink anytime soon. I am looking for new
employment and likely burned all professional bridges to a place I called home
for a few years.
What
now? Excellent question. Trying to figure that out. Sometimes, knowing what you
don’t want is as important as knowing what you want. At least that is what I am
telling myself in order to sleep tonight.
