So I re-joined Match.com and have been chatting with Sabrina; who is attractive, has a great job, and claims to have an amazing sense of humor. So plans were made for us to have drinks today. I walk in the door at 5:54pm (this will be important later)...
We meet and she actually looks like her pictures, which is a nice change of pace for me. But then something odd happens when I ask her a question about her Easter dinner, she answers it...with three fucking words, "It was fine." Hmm, okay, so I ask if she did anything fun while home with her family this weekend, her response "Not really."
And so it went for the next half hour, I ask an open-ended question and receive an answer that was anywhere from one to five words in length....followed by silence. I didn't even get the unimaginative follow-up question of, "What about you?" and even "You?" was too much to ask.
After 20 minutes of this, she finally offers "I don't have much to say sometimes." No shit Socrates, I did that math. I asked her if she wanted another drink, to which she literally shrugged her fucking shoulders, couldn't even utter a syllable. I took this as my cue, called for the check, paid it like an asshole, and mercifully, the date ended.
I got back into my car and the clock read 6:32pm.
The lesson here: If you're on an awful date, you know you'll NEVER see this person again and she offers to split the check...don't be an asshole...split the check.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Dating Advice: How to talk to Women
A few years ago, if you had told me I would ever write about talking to women, I would've assumed you meant comatose ladies or my grandmother. So why the sudden change? Did I learn a magical secret or a magic pick-up line that has them waiting around the block? Nope. What changed? The answer is two-fold:
1) I got older.
2) I stopped giving a fuck.
Here is a breakdown of my thought process whenever there was a woman I found attractive and wanted to talk to:
"Wow, she is hot." -> "I bet she has a boyfriend." -> "What would I say?" -> "You know, she probably wouldn't be interested." -> "Not only am I not going to talk to her, but I'm also relieved that I saved myself the rejection."
And you know what? I was right, I didn't get rejected hardly ever. I also spent a lot of time alone, bitching about not meeting anyone. I was SO afraid of being rejected that I didn't try unless I had a belly full of booze (In fairness to me, I'm a charming drunk).
In my case, I had already played out the self-defeating end that I often didn't try at all. I was so afraid of being told no to my face, that I didn't want to risk having my worst fears validated.
Anyway, this is a long lead-up to the point of this post: Here is how you talk to women:
1) Practice. Spent a day and talk to FIVE women you find attractive. This isn't to say you'll ask them all out on a date because you won't. The point is initiating a conversation about ANYTHING. Let's say you are shopping for groceries and you see an attractive girl staring at a product...make a comment, "I had those, they suck/were great." Did you actually try them? Fuck no. And while a small white lie, you opened the door. How likely is it you're told to fuck off and die? Not very. How likely is it that she smiles, says thanks, and moves on? 98th percentile. Damn good odds. The more you do it, the better you'll get...WHICH IS JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER GODDAMNED THING IN LIFE!
2) Say hi and smile. That my friends is the magic pick-up line. Not "You're as fine as..." or "You're so hot..." nope. Say hi. Then have something else to say, ideally not an ethnic slur and something relevant to something. Will they all go well? Not a fucking chance. You'll get blank stares, short answers, and sometimes generally bitch-like behavior. What do you do then? Smile, take a deep breath and move on...bullet dodged. Regardless of how "hot" a girl is, would you really want to be with someone who treated a stranger like that?
3) Worst case scenario: I went up to a girl once and she told me that she didn't date "bigger" guys (Read: lose some weight, fat ass). Honestly, this fucked me up for a while. It wasn't until I recounted this tale to a professional therapist who said, "Wow, what a bitch." She was totally right. What a bitch. Was the problem that I was fat? Sure, I could stand to lose a few lbs...but to respond like that? Wow, what a cunt. Is that a reflection on me or her? You know the answer.
4) Be polite and nice but give them a little shit. This isn't an invitation to comment on her fat ass or anything but I mean more like this: after she quietly disagrees with you about something "Thanks for screaming at me..." You know what she'll likely do? Go on the defensive and continue the conversation. If she flips out and causes a scene, you just saved yourself months of her being an uptight bitch in the event she DID like you back. Whew...bullet dodged.
5) If the answer is no, or blowing you off...fuck it, move on. Will you see this person every day? Nope. (Unless this is a boss or co-worker, then tread lightly...)
This a super cliche way to end this but here it goes: If you never try, you've already lost. Sure, it won't always work out, those are the odds of life. But if you never do, you'll never know.
Second, worst-case scenario: You flattered a pretty girl with a boyfriend, gained some experience talking to women, and maybe made a friend.
We aren't on this planet very fucking long. Don't regret not walking up to someone, smiling and saying, "Hi, my name is..."
1) I got older.
2) I stopped giving a fuck.
Here is a breakdown of my thought process whenever there was a woman I found attractive and wanted to talk to:
"Wow, she is hot." -> "I bet she has a boyfriend." -> "What would I say?" -> "You know, she probably wouldn't be interested." -> "Not only am I not going to talk to her, but I'm also relieved that I saved myself the rejection."
And you know what? I was right, I didn't get rejected hardly ever. I also spent a lot of time alone, bitching about not meeting anyone. I was SO afraid of being rejected that I didn't try unless I had a belly full of booze (In fairness to me, I'm a charming drunk).
In my case, I had already played out the self-defeating end that I often didn't try at all. I was so afraid of being told no to my face, that I didn't want to risk having my worst fears validated.
Anyway, this is a long lead-up to the point of this post: Here is how you talk to women:
1) Practice. Spent a day and talk to FIVE women you find attractive. This isn't to say you'll ask them all out on a date because you won't. The point is initiating a conversation about ANYTHING. Let's say you are shopping for groceries and you see an attractive girl staring at a product...make a comment, "I had those, they suck/were great." Did you actually try them? Fuck no. And while a small white lie, you opened the door. How likely is it you're told to fuck off and die? Not very. How likely is it that she smiles, says thanks, and moves on? 98th percentile. Damn good odds. The more you do it, the better you'll get...WHICH IS JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER GODDAMNED THING IN LIFE!
2) Say hi and smile. That my friends is the magic pick-up line. Not "You're as fine as..." or "You're so hot..." nope. Say hi. Then have something else to say, ideally not an ethnic slur and something relevant to something. Will they all go well? Not a fucking chance. You'll get blank stares, short answers, and sometimes generally bitch-like behavior. What do you do then? Smile, take a deep breath and move on...bullet dodged. Regardless of how "hot" a girl is, would you really want to be with someone who treated a stranger like that?
3) Worst case scenario: I went up to a girl once and she told me that she didn't date "bigger" guys (Read: lose some weight, fat ass). Honestly, this fucked me up for a while. It wasn't until I recounted this tale to a professional therapist who said, "Wow, what a bitch." She was totally right. What a bitch. Was the problem that I was fat? Sure, I could stand to lose a few lbs...but to respond like that? Wow, what a cunt. Is that a reflection on me or her? You know the answer.
4) Be polite and nice but give them a little shit. This isn't an invitation to comment on her fat ass or anything but I mean more like this: after she quietly disagrees with you about something "Thanks for screaming at me..." You know what she'll likely do? Go on the defensive and continue the conversation. If she flips out and causes a scene, you just saved yourself months of her being an uptight bitch in the event she DID like you back. Whew...bullet dodged.
5) If the answer is no, or blowing you off...fuck it, move on. Will you see this person every day? Nope. (Unless this is a boss or co-worker, then tread lightly...)
This a super cliche way to end this but here it goes: If you never try, you've already lost. Sure, it won't always work out, those are the odds of life. But if you never do, you'll never know.
Second, worst-case scenario: You flattered a pretty girl with a boyfriend, gained some experience talking to women, and maybe made a friend.
We aren't on this planet very fucking long. Don't regret not walking up to someone, smiling and saying, "Hi, my name is..."
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Dating Advice: When it should be but isn't...
I write this as my buddy is in my apartment sleeping on my couch. He is a successful guy who has provided for his wife and children through hard work. And on paper, he married the ideal woman: attractive and from wealth. On paper, it all made perfect sense.
I met a woman a few months back who on paper, made sense for me. Low drama, attractive, kind considerate....really many of the things that most would look for in a partner. But for some (or many) reasons it just didn't work. I spent lots of time trying to convince myself that it should work and that at 31 I needed to buy-in, but I couldn't.
In the past, I fell victim to the idea of "good enough". There were times I wasn't happy but because an attractive woman wanted to be with me, I ignored many red flags. As a friend once said, "You start ignoring red flags and one day you look down and see a huge pile of red flags..."
So why doesn't it work? More importantly, when it doesn't with someone it should, why do we blame ourselves? In my case, I felt bad that I didn't like my ex as much as she liked me. I've been ruined by the few "sparks" I have felt with someone in the past. You meet someone and know in an instant that there is something there. Your heart races, you smile and blush a lot and start thinking crazy thoughts about what your life would be like with this new person. In short, it can be amazing.
But...there are the other times. We get lonely. We questions our self-worth and in turn think "Why would anyone else love me?" So we go back to bad relationships, forgetting the awful past and romanticizing the good times. We seek out the bad people who we know will accept us. We take the easiest road and open ourselves to more pain.We go back to the people who have hurt us, essentially asking, "Thank you sir, may I have another?!!?"
The point: If you're with someone and you know it isn't there, don't hang on hoping for change. Hell, none of us should expect change. We need to believe in ourselves and look for those who ignite that spark and bring out the best in us. It may be time consuming and lonely at times but we owe it to ourselves to no longer take less when we deserve in a partner. Let's be decent to ourselves.
I met a woman a few months back who on paper, made sense for me. Low drama, attractive, kind considerate....really many of the things that most would look for in a partner. But for some (or many) reasons it just didn't work. I spent lots of time trying to convince myself that it should work and that at 31 I needed to buy-in, but I couldn't.
In the past, I fell victim to the idea of "good enough". There were times I wasn't happy but because an attractive woman wanted to be with me, I ignored many red flags. As a friend once said, "You start ignoring red flags and one day you look down and see a huge pile of red flags..."
So why doesn't it work? More importantly, when it doesn't with someone it should, why do we blame ourselves? In my case, I felt bad that I didn't like my ex as much as she liked me. I've been ruined by the few "sparks" I have felt with someone in the past. You meet someone and know in an instant that there is something there. Your heart races, you smile and blush a lot and start thinking crazy thoughts about what your life would be like with this new person. In short, it can be amazing.
But...there are the other times. We get lonely. We questions our self-worth and in turn think "Why would anyone else love me?" So we go back to bad relationships, forgetting the awful past and romanticizing the good times. We seek out the bad people who we know will accept us. We take the easiest road and open ourselves to more pain.We go back to the people who have hurt us, essentially asking, "Thank you sir, may I have another?!!?"
The point: If you're with someone and you know it isn't there, don't hang on hoping for change. Hell, none of us should expect change. We need to believe in ourselves and look for those who ignite that spark and bring out the best in us. It may be time consuming and lonely at times but we owe it to ourselves to no longer take less when we deserve in a partner. Let's be decent to ourselves.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Review: OkCupid.com (I'm going to hell...)
So I passed this AMAZING blog idea onto my good friend Katie of http://gingermaryann.wordpress.com/ and she totally passed, so I am taking this ball and running with it. Ok, more likely that I'll run really fast for 20 yards, then slow down, then take a break, and finally jog slowly after remembering that I am wildly out of shape.
Anyway, based on the page views I get it appears that people only give a shit when I write about other dating sites and porn. (Side note: Apparently, I'm HUGE in Turkey. So to Turkey, I say, "How do you doin', Turkey? Look at you being Muslim but not being dicks about holding women back. Plus, democracy, not too bad, right?)
Anyway, my review of OkCupid:
This isn't the first time I have been on this site. A few years ago I was on and met a lady. And by "met" I mean she said hi and started sending me naked pictures. I'll be honest, up until this point I wasn't entirely sure women like this actually existed. We finally agreed to meet for coffee on a Sunday morning. Within an hour we were headed back to my place and had some sexual relations. And within an hour of that, she was headed back home...we never spoke again. Weird? Fo sho. Random? Yup. Cool? Kinda, but it was in my "Top Five Weirdest Moments Ever."(Also included: the time I accidentally touched Sponge Bob Square Pants inappropriately and night in Vegas that involved three different continents).
Since Match.com costs money and I'm without a job (thanks for fuck-all, college degree), I decided to explore the free options. I'll say this for OkCupid: it's not PlentyOfFish.com (later post). OkCupid makes you set up the standard profile with a picture and asks you questions about yourself. After you answer 25 of these questions, the website generates a compatibility percentage for you and gives you three matches (aka The Quiver). As you answer more questions, the site reveals how compatible you are with each person, which is kind of cool.
What the site also tells you are the chances are that your "Match" will reply to your message.
In short, welcome back to Middle School, Motherfucker. You can read a profile, like someone but see that they are "VERY selective about who they respond to". Well hell, I was feeling good until I read that bullshit. So like it or not, I factor that in before messaging anyone.
And here is where shit gets weird: I see a girl I went to high school with, which unto itself, isn't very interesting. That is until I remember that she is the girl who my buddy, Mike, lost his virginity to. Suddenly, my mind, which has been battered by poor decisions and alcohol over the years, remembers every goddamn detail of them having sex. She liked sex in public. She liked sex often. In summation: she liked to hump. A lot. At 31 years old, I should be able to think about something other than that, right? Nope. I eventually decide not to message her because the word is that Mike has warts on his ding dong. Is it true? Were they from her? Does Mike like Asian whores? I could not produce answers, so I decide to move on.
Anyway, the site is okay but I have no idea if it produces results other than random coffee shop sex.
You're probably thinking, "Wow, pretty shitty review...seems like nothing more than an excuse to tell a story about some random sex you had and to talk about a girl from high school..."
Hi, have we met?
Anyway, based on the page views I get it appears that people only give a shit when I write about other dating sites and porn. (Side note: Apparently, I'm HUGE in Turkey. So to Turkey, I say, "How do you doin', Turkey? Look at you being Muslim but not being dicks about holding women back. Plus, democracy, not too bad, right?)
Anyway, my review of OkCupid:
This isn't the first time I have been on this site. A few years ago I was on and met a lady. And by "met" I mean she said hi and started sending me naked pictures. I'll be honest, up until this point I wasn't entirely sure women like this actually existed. We finally agreed to meet for coffee on a Sunday morning. Within an hour we were headed back to my place and had some sexual relations. And within an hour of that, she was headed back home...we never spoke again. Weird? Fo sho. Random? Yup. Cool? Kinda, but it was in my "Top Five Weirdest Moments Ever."(Also included: the time I accidentally touched Sponge Bob Square Pants inappropriately and night in Vegas that involved three different continents).
Since Match.com costs money and I'm without a job (thanks for fuck-all, college degree), I decided to explore the free options. I'll say this for OkCupid: it's not PlentyOfFish.com (later post). OkCupid makes you set up the standard profile with a picture and asks you questions about yourself. After you answer 25 of these questions, the website generates a compatibility percentage for you and gives you three matches (aka The Quiver). As you answer more questions, the site reveals how compatible you are with each person, which is kind of cool.
What the site also tells you are the chances are that your "Match" will reply to your message.
In short, welcome back to Middle School, Motherfucker. You can read a profile, like someone but see that they are "VERY selective about who they respond to". Well hell, I was feeling good until I read that bullshit. So like it or not, I factor that in before messaging anyone.
And here is where shit gets weird: I see a girl I went to high school with, which unto itself, isn't very interesting. That is until I remember that she is the girl who my buddy, Mike, lost his virginity to. Suddenly, my mind, which has been battered by poor decisions and alcohol over the years, remembers every goddamn detail of them having sex. She liked sex in public. She liked sex often. In summation: she liked to hump. A lot. At 31 years old, I should be able to think about something other than that, right? Nope. I eventually decide not to message her because the word is that Mike has warts on his ding dong. Is it true? Were they from her? Does Mike like Asian whores? I could not produce answers, so I decide to move on.
Anyway, the site is okay but I have no idea if it produces results other than random coffee shop sex.
You're probably thinking, "Wow, pretty shitty review...seems like nothing more than an excuse to tell a story about some random sex you had and to talk about a girl from high school..."
Hi, have we met?
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