Scenes from a shitty Italian Restaurant

This one took the majority of my workday but I managed to remember a few memorable things said to me during a first date and/or one nightstand. Believe me, you'll be able to tell which is which. 

"Can you finish soon? I really need to smoke."
- See, Debbie liked to smoke. A LOT. As it turns out, she liked smoking more than she liked me.

"My mom is a serious cunt."
- Hey weirdo, I happen to like my mom. Again, this was 13 minutes into date number one.

"Well, I have enough credits for a degree which is exactly the same as having a degree."
-Umm, no, it isn't. And those pictures you posted were WILDLY misleading.

"We can go back to my place but we need to be really quiet because my kids are sleeping."
-Boner Killer 101. I have no issues with you having children but the fact that you're letting some drunk asshole (me) into your home to fuck while they are asleep is revolting. Pass.

"You'll need to pick me up for the date because I can't drive...umm, because of the seizures."
-That was three years ago. I'm still not sure how to respond. I did pick her up and we had an awful time. On the bright side, she didn't shake uncontrollably on the ground and shit her pants...which was nice.

"You and I can go see my church counselor and talk about how we can grow together."
-This was the FIRST FUCKING DATE. Creeped out doesn't even begin to describe what I was feeling.

"I would let you come in, and we would have fun, but I haven't shaved in a while."
-And here was my cogent, rational response, "Ummmmmmmmmmmm.............."

"Could you finish soon? I have an exam to take in 45 minutes."
-It was a community college. She failed the exam, blamed me, and we never spoke or humped again.

"We aren't divorced yet, but I'm sure we will file soon, so this isn't really cheating."
-I didn't. I really wanted to...I mean, really wanted to...but I did not.

AND FINALLY

"The last time I had sex? Two days ago, it was with a guy I met on Craigslist."
-Honestly, how the fuck do you respond to this? She had asked me that question first so I decided to be polite and return the favor. Big fucking mistake.

In closing...what the fuck?

Online dating tips: For the guys

Since I offered unsolicited advice to the ladies, I figured the fellas could use some equally useless dating advice:

-Don't plan a bunch of shit for the first date. When I first started dating after the divorce I would plan nice dinners and multiple activities, only to realize I was spending ass loads of cash on women I had little in common with. Stop it. For a first date plan for drinks or coffee, nothing more. If at the end of either of those, you want to continue the evening, go ahead. But in the event she is a royal rag, you can cut your losses after a few drinks.

-Be yourself. There is no point in spending the first few dates pretending to be something other than who you are. At some point, you are going to be the real you and it'll be in stark contrast to who you've pretended to be. Knock that shit off. When you meet that right person, be it for the night or forever, it will be because of who you really are...not who you pretend to be.

-Be polite. Hold open doors, buy drinks, be polite. Maybe this will never get you laid but it will mean you aren't a dick, which means something as far as karma is concerned.

-Shut the fuck up. Smile a lot, ask questions, and let her talk about her. Throw in funny comments when you can and talk when it means something but by in large...realize that she doesn't actually give a fuck about most of what you have to say. Don't be rude, smile, ask her about her, listen, and don't one-up any of her stories (in fact, don't do that to anyone, lest you be an asshole).

-Be honest. but not too honest. Say things like "You look great" and "It was a lot of fun to hang out with you". Avoid statements like "Your pussy stinks" and "I think you're a bitch". These sound funny and obvious but asshole dudes get a few drinks in them and decide to be cute. See rule #4: Shut the fuck up.

-Be confident. This is hard for many of us because it may not be in our nature. If you aren't confident, follow this rule: act as if...Meaning, act as if you were confident. Believe that someone sometime is going to find you attractive. Maybe it isn't the girl you are on a date with, but someone will be into you for being who you actually are. It's the law of averages, man. Dude I went to high school with was a total stroke, moved to Korea, and has a hot Asian wife...I mean, I'm just sayin...it happens. Be you.

-Finally, don't be pushy. There is a fine line between taking a chance when you think she is interested and being a pushy douche. If you think she is into you, and you're feeling the moment...take your shot. Maybe you missed (aka got shot the fuck down) but take solace in the fact you took your shot. Now, if you get shot down and keep pushing...you're probably a creepy dude. Maybe it works with some women but it probably means you're a shitty person.

So that's what I got fellas. In short, don't be a cock.

Online Dating Tips: For the ladies

Since there is a 5:1 male to female ratio for online dating, the ladies obviously don't need my assistance in crafting a dating profile. I have read profiles that mention vindictive ex-spouses, veiled references to sexual abuse, and in one case, a woman who said, "I don't trust men and won't trust you." What do they all have in common? Plenty of emails, winks, and attention from the male folk (Yes, we are completely and utterly shameless). 

With this in mind, here are some random tips, hints, and things to avoid if you want to attract a decent human being from online dating:

-I like boobs. As does 99.887% of the straight male population. But if you put up a bunch of pictures of you in a bra or using only your hands to cover your ta-tas, we are going to assume you like to show them on a regular basis (Not saying it's fair, but it's true). So if you aren't interested in putting all the goods out there from day one, go ahead and rein in the boobage from your profile. 

-For the love of fuck, use spell check. If I am reading your profile and it's littered with misspellings and no punctuation, we assume you suffered a traumatic brain injury. Or you're dumb as shit. Either way, I'm probably moving on. 

-If your username includes any of the following: Princess, Baby, Hottie, Gorgeous, Bitch, Sexy or any variation of those spellings...I am assuming you're a massive pain in the ass who carries around a hefty sense of entitlement. There is nothing wrong with self-confidence but those all reek of someone trying to compensate for the fact that they probably developed early and never had to have a personality.

-In the event that a guy emails you and asks questions, that means he is interested. If you are interested, then you email back, answer those questions, and then ask some of your own. This is called a conversation. But emailing back to simply answer the questions you were asked is an interview; it gives the impression you aren't interested or that you're a dolt. If you aren't interested, don't respond at all. 

-Don't mention your ex or how he ruined your life. It comes across as sad and kind of pathetic. 

-If you aren't interested in dating, or you are "just looking for friends" then online dating is the wrong place. It's not fair to the guy thinking there is a chance of a relationship when in reality you're looking for someone to go to the movies with. Yes, yes...something could become serious but it means this poor bastard is playing against a stacked deck. 

-Finally, when you do get to the point of actually having a date and regardless of whether this is someone you want to see again or not, say "Thank you." I'm old-fashioned in that I always pay for drinks or dinner, even if she offers to split the bill. I believe that since I asked you out, the obligation is mine to pay. In the event that happens, just say thanks. I don't need oral pleasures in the parking lot because I bought your dinner but at least acknowledge the gesture. I can't tell you how many times a night has ended and nothing has been said other than "bye". And this has happened with women I have dated more than once. Maybe it isn't a dealbreaker but it is common courtesy. 

Ok, so that's it. If you follow these rules...umm, back to that last one...if you do blow the dude after dinner I think you can pass on saying thank you. I'm old-fashioned like that.

My Adult Dating Life: Barb

I spent a few months after Jill collecting my thoughts and trying to figure out why I was being an ass. That's when a friend introduced me to his co-worker, Barb. She was 29, a working professional with a serious demeanor and a bitcin' old school Mustang convertible (I'm not even a "car guy" and I had to admit that it was a sweet ride). So after the initial meet and greet we decided to hangout for drinks. And this where Barb wins the honesty award...

So we are two beers into the second time we have ever met and all is going well. I'm sober and I think she is too. Apropos of nothing, Barb blurts out "Umm, it's not like I have HIV or anything, but I do have herpes."

Hmm...

Listen, there is nothing funny about having an STD. Nothing. But...it was an interesting time to tell me, you know...over drinks when the only physical contact we ever had to that point was a handshake. And make no mistake, I am glad she told me...good on her. And I give her credit for the opening of "It's not like I have HIV..." because when you compare herpes to that, it doesn't seem as bad. Either way, no one ever really trains you how to respond to statements like this, especially when they come OUT OF THE FUCKING BLUE. So as I racked my brain of all the info I retained from health class in high school, I sputtered out the only response that came to mind, "That's cool, dude." Which I am sure was ultra reassuring to her...

Anyway, Barb and I dated for a few months but it got weird when things got physical. I wasn't 100% clear on the rules of having sex, given the circumstances, and neither was she  (I feel like I would be CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR on the rules and limitations of herpes sex, but that's just me). Anyway, our physical contact was limited to hand jobs...which I gathered she hadn't done much. I came to this conclusion (and believe me, it was the only time I came with Barb) because it was so fucking painful. She violently tugged and pulled on my dick like she was playing foosball. I would gently suggest "That feels good but...could you try doing it like this?" And this apparently makes you a world class asshole, or so I was told. She later yelled at me, "You should be grateful I'm touching you at all!"

Ah, now I know why Barb was single.

She later apologized but this rocketship was plummeting toward Earth in a hurry. Since neither of us knew the physical boundaries, and anything with our hands was off the table, we just dry humped a lot and were both left unsatisfied. The breaking point came when she suggested that we have sex and that life with herpes wasn't that bad...if I just got used to it. This was too much information for me to process, so I decided to put this one out of its misery...you know, since deciding to catch a STD seemed like a bigger commitment than I was ready for.

Maybe I handled this one incorrectly, but I learned one important lesson: those health classes from high school were fucking useless.

My Adult Dating Life: Jill

I began dealing with my divorce like any reasonable, mature adult would: by drinking excessive amounts of alcohol and locking myself in the bedroom. Ok, so it probably wasn't the healthiest way of handling the pain. A good six months went by where I would wake up, shower, go to work, stop by the liquor store near my apartment and buy some Mickey’s malt liquor and go home to get bombed. At no point did I even consider dating anyone else, even though I had heard through the grapevine that my ex had already moved in with someone.

(Side note: If you’re one of those assholes who feel the need to share painful, but essentially useless information like this with a “friend”, let me ask you…what are you gaining here? Maybe instead of being the first to break the news, you shut the fuck up…or kill yourself. And spare me the “good friend” argument. A real friend will avoid the topic at all costs and buy you a hooker.)

I was working for a Fortune 500 company, which sounds glorious until I reveal that it was a call center job and I was hauling in $11.00/hour. So each morning I would make the death march past security, hang my soul on the coat rack and suck on the corporate dong. One morning as I walked into for my daily shaming, I noticed a new security guard, Jill. She was tall, had curly brown hair and a great smile. For the first time since my ex left, I looked at a member of the opposite sex and felt something other than anger. As the days past I started to chat her up and found out that the security job is temporary and she had her degree in criminal justice. After a week of painfully shy conversation on my part, I asked her if she wanted to grab a beer sometime…with me. She smiled and said yes.

It’s amazing how after a split of any relationship the smallest things make you feel better. I liked Jill a lot but the one thing I liked best about her that was she liked me. I recognize how silly that sounds but after spending the last 5 years of my life with someone who didn’t really seem to give a shit about me; it was amazing to spend time with someone who seemed to dig me. One date became two and we started to hangout several times a week. There was instant chemistry…and it scared the shit out of me. Everything I ever thought I knew about being with someone was now called into question. I had serious reservations about my ability to be with someone and make them happy…and ultimately, that fucked me up. Jill was happy being with me and would come over and stay the night a few times a week. I would order Chinese food and we would watch episodes of the Daily Show…it should've worked.

Jill and I had lunch at work one day when she told me the big news: she had gotten a probation officer job in Wyoming. I did my best to act happy but I couldn’t hide my disappointment. I told her I was happy for her, and part of me was, but the other part of me saw this as someone I cared about bailing on me again. She suggested that we could make it work long distance and I shot down the idea immediately. Like any insolent child would do, I pouted and told her it wasn’t a big deal and that we were just friends anyway. She picked up her lunch, walked back inside and I never saw her again.

I tried calling and she didn’t answer. The next day I asked another security guard when Jill was working again and he said he was pretty sure he quit to move out West.

I obviously wasn’t ready for another relationship but I’ve thought about Jill a lot since then and wish that I had handled it differently. I could have really been happy for her and we could have tried to…I don’t know.

But I miss her. 

My Adult Dating Life: Destiny

I thought it would be interesting to chronicle my adult dating life...okay maybe more interesting for me than you. I'll exclude any and all relationships before I turned 18 because they were all short-lived, involved copious amounts of alcohol, and were full of the drama that only high school can provide.

I was 19 when I met my ex-wife, Destiny. I didn't know then that this is the person I would later be divorcing (would've been awesome to have that information handy). I was going to college in Louisiana and we had the same group of friends. She was beautiful, very quiet, and painfully shy. She was also dating a mutual friend of ours; so while I was interested, I also understood that she wasn’t an option. As the semester passed, we hung out more, and she actually began to open up to me but we remained friends.

At the end of the fall semester, my mom called and told me that she had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer and that she would start treatments the next day. She insisted that I stay in Louisiana and continue classes, but I ignored this and packed up my 1986 Ford Escort drove all night to get home. It wasn’t until I was back home that my relationship with Destiny really begins (Yes, this probably isn’t the best way to get to know someone). Through long-distance phone calls and chats on AOL Messenger (those fucks used to charge by the hour, does anyone else remember that?) we had begun to fall hard for one another. She told me about her domineering mother, her distant father, and how she wished to get away from it all. Six months later, I took a Greyhound Bus from Michigan to New Orleans to see her and visit her family.

It’s important to mention now that her parents immediately did not like me. They were upper class, Southern Baptists that viewed me as a “Yankee” who had come to defile their daughter (In fairness to them, all true statements). After her parents had gone to bed every night, we would furiously make-out and dry-hump on the living room couch, telling each other “I love you.” (Hey, I bet you’re thinking that it’s a little soon for that. To I say: Yeah, but still...). As I boarded the bus back home, she told me that she wanted to be with me forever…I was all in.

Over the next six months, as my mom responded well to treatments and got better; I would save every dime and drive down fourteen hours to visit her at school at least once a month. Over the course of time, things progressed sexually and we eventually became the “first” for each other (Her reasons for waiting were because her parents used Jesus to tell her sex was bad. My reasons for waiting were tied directly to the lack of females willing to touch my penis). Later that summer, I drove to Florida while she was on vacation with her family. As we walked on the beach one night I pulled out a $400 ring, which I paid for with the only credit card I owned, and asked her to marry me. I was barely 20 years old and she was 19. She said yes. Her parents, whose hatred for me grew as we fell deeply in love, were livid. I’ll never forget her mom saying, “This is all like a bad dream.” You’ll never know how right you were, Donna.

Over the next year, we planned a wedding that no one was overly excited about. I was living paycheck to paycheck as a bank cashier and beginning to realize that I didn’t know how to support myself, let alone another person. On June 21^st of that following year, we were married in Florida. I remember smiling a lot, even though I was scared to death. I also remember looking at my left ring finger and thinking “Forever…fuck...that seems like a long time.” We headed off to a forgettable honeymoon in Palm Springs, CA, where we spent the week fighting about money and not having sex. We then came home to begin life as a married couple but there was one small problem…neither of us knew how. Further compounding that problem was the fact that neither of us was equipped to communicate face to face. I’ll set the scene: two young kids got married, lived in a trailer with a 110 pound Labrador. They had one small income, no insurance, and neither had any sense of who they really were.

Other than that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?

As the months passed, the shy girl I first met a few years ago came back in full force. I realized that her mother had made every decision for her in life (minus one big one) and that she really had no sense of self. Exacerbating that problem was me, who didn’t know how to be helpful or supportive in any way. All I knew was my single friends were going out to the bars and having an amazing time. And there I was at home with a wife who didn’t speak to me, a dog neither of us wanted, in a trailer we could barely afford (you know it’s bad times when you can barely afford to live in a trailer). Little did I realize at the time that she had several very large limit credit cards in her name (Thanks mom and dad). I was blissfully unaware that my bride was racking up major credit card bills and not exactly disclosing it all to me.

More time passed and what were once small communication problems became massive issues that couldn't be ignored. It also became more apparent that Destiny and I had nothing in common (other than the aforementioned debt, trailer, and dog). It would be fair to say that we seldom had sex and spoke only when it was necessary. I was miserable but didn’t know what to do about it. She was miserable but tried to convince herself she wasn’t. In February, her mom called to tell me that Destiny was worried about the credit card debt. Go ahead and re-read that last sentence, my wife had her mother call me and tell me what she wasn't able to. She also suggested that we file for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. She told me that we’ll have a fresh start and it won’t hurt us as much because we are young. I spoke with Destiny and she simply said, “My mom is right, that’s what we should do.” Later that week, after we had officially filed for bankruptcy, I lay awake in bed and stared at the ceiling for a long time. I thought about everything: how unhappy we were, how I had just committed financial suicide, and how I didn't really have a wife...I had a roommate. 

One thought ran through my head non-stop: This is the rest of your life.

That following May, Destiny had gone home to Louisiana to visit her mom for a week. At no point that week did she call. I picked her up at the airport on a Sunday and as we drove home she told me, “My mom and I decided that we need a divorce. She is going to be here Tuesday to move me home.” Her dad called me and said that if I agreed to sign an uncontested divorce agreement they would spare me the cost of having to hire an attorney. At that point, I didn’t care.

I stayed with friends for a few days and waited until I got word that they were gone and that I could go home. Later that evening I walked in and took inventory: minus a mattress and a couch, it was empty. Gone were the dog, all of the pictures, dishes, plates, chairs, most of my clothes, computer, towels, sheets, DVDs, books…it was all gone. For some reason, they even took the plastic shower liner (struck me as especially petty). I plopped myself down on the bare mattress and stared at the ceiling. I was divorced, bankrupt, and never more alone in my entire life.

It was May 24^th.

It was also my 25^th birthday.

The Stink of Failure

I now believe that timing is everything. I also believe that our "mentality" can be read by other people. Have you ever been able to tell that someone is sad, angry, or joyful without a word being said? I am a firm believer that our vibe and self-confidence (or lack thereof) is something that the opposite sex can sense. With that said, I have had times when it seemed that no woman would have anything to do with me. Why? They could sense that I was down, depressed, or lacked all confidence.

So with this in mind, there are a few pointers I found especially helpful when I was in a slump with the ladies.

1) Get out of the goddamn house (mom's basement, studio apartment..whatever). I realized that you will never meet anyone by hiding in your crappy domicile and feverishly masturbating (don't lie...sinner). Get your ass out there, meet people, even if it's only other dudes or people in relationships. Make friends, make contacts. You're miserable because you're choosing to shut yourself off and feel shitty.

2) Sorry but some women aren't going to like you. No matter how tall, short, fat, skinny, or anything else you are...some women, for whatever reason...aren't going to want ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU. This isn't because they are hot or better than you, they just won't. Accept this, it's nothing personal and move the fuck on.

3) Thousands...and I mean TENS of THOUSANDS of women (or men) will want you. Listen, I've never met you... but this is just simple math: statistically, some people are going to like you...(I know, I don't get it either, but they will). Do you know how? By stopping being a beta loser and living life. Meet some friends and do some shit that doesn't involve a computer screen.

4) Not to ruin the ending, but this is it. How many minutes do you want to spend worrying about things that may NEVER happen? How much time do you want to spend worrying about things which have already happened? Breathe in, breathe out...move the fuck on. Can you fix what happened? Hell no. Do you know what will happen? Probably not, dummy. So take care of this day and enjoy it.

Have some balls, take a chance.