Scenes from a shitty Italian Restaurant

This one took the majority of my workday but I managed to remember a few memorable things said to me during a first date and/or one nightstand. Believe me, you'll be able to tell which is which. 

"Can you finish soon? I really need to smoke."
- See, Debbie liked to smoke. A LOT. As it turns out, she liked smoking more than she liked me.

"My mom is a serious cunt."
- Hey weirdo, I happen to like my mom. Again, this was 13 minutes into date number one.

"Well, I have enough credits for a degree which is exactly the same as having a degree."
-Umm, no, it isn't. And those pictures you posted were WILDLY misleading.

"We can go back to my place but we need to be really quiet because my kids are sleeping."
-Boner Killer 101. I have no issues with you having children but the fact that you're letting some drunk asshole (me) into your home to fuck while they are asleep is revolting. Pass.

"You'll need to pick me up for the date because I can't drive...umm, because of the seizures."
-That was three years ago. I'm still not sure how to respond. I did pick her up and we had an awful time. On the bright side, she didn't shake uncontrollably on the ground and shit her pants...which was nice.

"You and I can go see my church counselor and talk about how we can grow together."
-This was the FIRST FUCKING DATE. Creeped out doesn't even begin to describe what I was feeling.

"I would let you come in, and we would have fun, but I haven't shaved in a while."
-And here was my cogent, rational response, "Ummmmmmmmmmmm.............."

"Could you finish soon? I have an exam to take in 45 minutes."
-It was a community college. She failed the exam, blamed me, and we never spoke or humped again.

"We aren't divorced yet, but I'm sure we will file soon, so this isn't really cheating."
-I didn't. I really wanted to...I mean, really wanted to...but I did not.

AND FINALLY

"The last time I had sex? Two days ago, it was with a guy I met on Craigslist."
-Honestly, how the fuck do you respond to this? She had asked me that question first so I decided to be polite and return the favor. Big fucking mistake.

In closing...what the fuck?