I spent a few months after Jill collecting my thoughts and trying to figure out why I was being an ass. That's when a friend introduced me to his co-worker, Barb. She was 29, a working professional with a serious demeanor and a bitcin' old school Mustang convertible (I'm not even a "car guy" and I had to admit that it was a sweet ride). So after the initial meet and greet we decided to hangout for drinks. And this where Barb wins the honesty award...
So we are two beers into the second time we have ever met and all is going well. I'm sober and I think she is too. Apropos of nothing, Barb blurts out "Umm, it's not like I have HIV or anything, but I do have herpes."
Hmm...
Listen, there is nothing funny about having an STD. Nothing. But...it was an interesting time to tell me, you know...over drinks when the only physical contact we ever had to that point was a handshake. And make no mistake, I am glad she told me...good on her. And I give her credit for the opening of "It's not like I have HIV..." because when you compare herpes to that, it doesn't seem as bad. Either way, no one ever really trains you how to respond to statements like this, especially when they come OUT OF THE FUCKING BLUE. So as I racked my brain of all the info I retained from health class in high school, I sputtered out the only response that came to mind, "That's cool, dude." Which I am sure was ultra reassuring to her...
Anyway, Barb and I dated for a few months but it got weird when things got physical. I wasn't 100% clear on the rules of having sex, given the circumstances, and neither was she (I feel like I would be CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR on the rules and limitations of herpes sex, but that's just me). Anyway, our physical contact was limited to hand jobs...which I gathered she hadn't done much. I came to this conclusion (and believe me, it was the only time I came with Barb) because it was so fucking painful. She violently tugged and pulled on my dick like she was playing foosball. I would gently suggest "That feels good but...could you try doing it like this?" And this apparently makes you a world class asshole, or so I was told. She later yelled at me, "You should be grateful I'm touching you at all!"
Ah, now I know why Barb was single.
She later apologized but this rocketship was plummeting toward Earth in a hurry. Since neither of us knew the physical boundaries, and anything with our hands was off the table, we just dry humped a lot and were both left unsatisfied. The breaking point came when she suggested that we have sex and that life with herpes wasn't that bad...if I just got used to it. This was too much information for me to process, so I decided to put this one out of its misery...you know, since deciding to catch a STD seemed like a bigger commitment than I was ready for.
Maybe I handled this one incorrectly, but I learned one important lesson: those health classes from high school were fucking useless.
4 comments:
Yipes! At least you didn't get in too deep, there. Maybe she gets some "points" for being honest..
OK...wow. The hand job part of this story was painful to read. She's a cuntasaurus rex! But moving on, one of my longer term boyfriends had the herp. If it's not "broken out" you can have sex. It's fine. I still recommend a rubber. Fun stuff, I know.
Herp isn't the end of the world. I'm still glad we were safe though!
Also, how did she not know her physical limitations? I'd fucking know if I were her!!
~Kat~
That was my whole thing, how do you not know the rules? I really wasn't making fun of it, but I was making fun of her for being clueless...
In fairness to her on the HJ front, all women are working from a distinct disadvantage when giving us a handy. This is something we are supremely skilled at and while we appreciate your attempt, it's amateur hour.
Ouch...I slept with a guy yesterday that I really wish I hadn't. He didn't know how to put the damn condom on. 34 years old. WTF has he been doing all these years?!?!?!?!?
Needless to say, he was terrible.
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