I began dealing with my divorce like any reasonable,
mature adult would: by drinking excessive amounts of alcohol and locking myself in
the bedroom. Ok, so it probably wasn't the healthiest way of handling the pain. A good six months went by where I would wake up, shower, go to work,
stop by the liquor store near my apartment and buy some Mickey’s malt liquor and go home to
get bombed. At no point did I even consider dating anyone else, even though I
had heard through the grapevine that my ex had already moved in with someone.
(Side note: If you’re one of those assholes who feel
the need to share painful, but essentially useless information like this with a
“friend”, let me ask you…what are you gaining here? Maybe instead of being the
first to break the news, you shut the fuck up…or kill yourself. And spare me
the “good friend” argument. A real friend will avoid the topic at all costs and
buy you a hooker.)
I was working for a Fortune 500 company, which
sounds glorious until I reveal that it was a call center job and I
was hauling in $11.00/hour. So each morning I would make the death march past
security, hang my soul on the coat rack and suck on the corporate dong. One morning as I
walked into for my daily shaming, I noticed a new security guard, Jill. She was
tall, had curly brown hair and a great smile. For the first time since my ex
left, I looked at a member of the opposite sex and felt something other than
anger. As the days past I started to chat her up and found out that the
security job is temporary and she had her degree in criminal justice. After a
week of painfully shy conversation on my part, I asked her if she wanted to
grab a beer sometime…with me. She smiled and said yes.
It’s amazing how after a split of any relationship
the smallest things make you feel better. I liked Jill a lot
but the one thing I liked best about her that was she liked me. I recognize how
silly that sounds but after spending the last 5 years of my life with someone
who didn’t really seem to give a shit about me; it was amazing to spend time
with someone who seemed to dig me. One date became two and we started to hangout several
times a week. There was instant chemistry…and it scared the shit out of me.
Everything I ever thought I knew about being with someone was now called into
question. I had serious reservations about my ability to be with someone and
make them happy…and ultimately, that fucked me up. Jill was happy being with
me and would come over and stay the night a few times a week. I would order
Chinese food and we would watch episodes of the Daily Show…it should've worked.
Jill and I had lunch at work one day when she told
me the big news: she had gotten a probation officer job in Wyoming. I did my best to act happy but I couldn’t hide my disappointment.
I told her I was happy for her, and part of me was, but the other part of me
saw this as someone I cared about bailing on me again. She suggested that we
could make it work long distance and I shot down the idea immediately. Like any
insolent child would do, I pouted and told her it wasn’t a big deal and that we
were just friends anyway. She picked up her lunch, walked back inside and I
never saw her again.
I tried calling and she didn’t answer. The next day I
asked another security guard when Jill was working again and he said he was
pretty sure he quit to move out West.
I obviously wasn’t ready for another relationship
but I’ve thought about Jill a lot since then and wish that I had handled it differently. I could have really been happy for her and we could have tried
to…I don’t know.
But I miss her.
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