Online Dating Tips: For the ladies

Since there is a 5:1 male to female ratio for online dating, the ladies obviously don't need my assistance in crafting a dating profile. I have read profiles that mention vindictive ex-spouses, veiled references to sexual abuse, and in one case, a woman who said, "I don't trust men and won't trust you." What do they all have in common? Plenty of emails, winks, and attention from the male folk (Yes, we are completely and utterly shameless). 

With this in mind, here are some random tips, hints, and things to avoid if you want to attract a decent human being from online dating:

-I like boobs. As does 99.887% of the straight male population. But if you put up a bunch of pictures of you in a bra or using only your hands to cover your ta-tas, we are going to assume you like to show them on a regular basis (Not saying it's fair, but it's true). So if you aren't interested in putting all the goods out there from day one, go ahead and rein in the boobage from your profile. 

-For the love of fuck, use spell check. If I am reading your profile and it's littered with misspellings and no punctuation, we assume you suffered a traumatic brain injury. Or you're dumb as shit. Either way, I'm probably moving on. 

-If your username includes any of the following: Princess, Baby, Hottie, Gorgeous, Bitch, Sexy or any variation of those spellings...I am assuming you're a massive pain in the ass who carries around a hefty sense of entitlement. There is nothing wrong with self-confidence but those all reek of someone trying to compensate for the fact that they probably developed early and never had to have a personality.

-In the event that a guy emails you and asks questions, that means he is interested. If you are interested, then you email back, answer those questions, and then ask some of your own. This is called a conversation. But emailing back to simply answer the questions you were asked is an interview; it gives the impression you aren't interested or that you're a dolt. If you aren't interested, don't respond at all. 

-Don't mention your ex or how he ruined your life. It comes across as sad and kind of pathetic. 

-If you aren't interested in dating, or you are "just looking for friends" then online dating is the wrong place. It's not fair to the guy thinking there is a chance of a relationship when in reality you're looking for someone to go to the movies with. Yes, yes...something could become serious but it means this poor bastard is playing against a stacked deck. 

-Finally, when you do get to the point of actually having a date and regardless of whether this is someone you want to see again or not, say "Thank you." I'm old-fashioned in that I always pay for drinks or dinner, even if she offers to split the bill. I believe that since I asked you out, the obligation is mine to pay. In the event that happens, just say thanks. I don't need oral pleasures in the parking lot because I bought your dinner but at least acknowledge the gesture. I can't tell you how many times a night has ended and nothing has been said other than "bye". And this has happened with women I have dated more than once. Maybe it isn't a dealbreaker but it is common courtesy. 

Ok, so that's it. If you follow these rules...umm, back to that last one...if you do blow the dude after dinner I think you can pass on saying thank you. I'm old-fashioned like that.